Saturday 4 June 2011

How Is my Story so far?

Please read and give me feed back. Its not done yet obviously...





Prologue





I was in bed about to fall asleep when I saw a pale blue light glowing outside my spider web covered window. A faint humming sound came that vibrated the house. Out of curiosity I got up off my bed and looked out that window squinting, to see that the light was a spotlight aiming at the ground. Two figures began to descend from the sky. I couldn’t really see where they were coming from for the edge of the window blocked my view. So I ran outside.


The air was cool, but with a strangely warm breeze. As soon as I stepped out on to my dried pine needle covered back deck, I saw a huge craft hovering over my house, and the two figures standing under the light. They where a human form with a light green tint. Their heads where normal sized, but had strangely small mouths. They wore a white space outfit with blue trim. They looked exactly the same. Except for one detail, one of them had almost no hair, and the other one had long curly hair. The one with the curly hair walked up to me, and with a squeaky voice that sounded as though he was talking through a radio said, “We are sorry, but there was a misfire from our ship. Unfortunately, your home planet will be destroyed. You are one of the very few humans we have chosen to save and bring to our home planet. You have two minutes to go back to your house and bring back one item and one item only. Go!”


I hurried off into my house. This cant be serious! Earth being destroyed and I only have time to grab one thing?! I think of calling someone to warn them of their impending doom, but I decide against it. Would they even believe me? Even if they did what could they do? I run into my room and look around. This was harder that I thought. What should I bring? The family photo! So I can remember who I’m leavening behind to die? No, I needed something else. There was a loud boom that made the windows crack. I grabbed my back pack and shoved some cloths into it hoping the aliens wouldn’t notice that I had more than one thing. Dashing out the front door, I stopped to look up into the once dark, clear sky, that had been glittered with stars, had now changed to an orangey red. The air even felt noticeably warmer.


“We must go now!” shrieked one of the aliens.


I stepped next to him and felt myself rise off the ground. I watched the earth leave my feet, slowly at first, then a bit faster.


Now miles away, trees were blazing with fire. Sirens echoed from fire trucks and ambulances pointlessly raced to save the helpless. Just as we near the mother ship, I took one last look at my home planet and saw that it was just a ball of flame. Cracks spread through the globe and POOF! The planet crumbled into dust and rocks. All that was left was silence.





Ch.1





Inside the ship, the aliens led me through some halls on what seemed like an invisible conveyor belt. The halls seemed endless. Each door had some strange symbols that looked like gibberish to me.


“Where are we going?” I asked.


“To the infirmary, to prepare you to meet the others,” answered the bald one.


Finally we stopped outside a door with the same strange symbol, but with a familiar red plus sign on the door. The door slid straight up and we stepped in.


Another alien appeared behind a curtain dressed in a white shiny lab coat. He was a lot shorter than the aliens I was with. He pealed off his gloves and took his mask off.


“Greetings human, please step in; we haven’t much time before your welcome ceremony,” He said with the same radio voice, but a bit more puny. “Come, come, sit here,” he said, gesturing to an examination bed. It had some strange tools sticking out of it. Some that looked deadly. Hesitantly, I hopped up on the bed.


“ I am Dr. , but you may call me Arclop,” he said, pulling over a metallic stool and stepping up on it so he could reach me. He grabbed for a tool that resembled a cork screw, but with an electric spin. He turned it on and moved it toward my nose. My eyes grew to the size of baseballs and I jolted backwards. Arclop made a low gurgling noise that sounded like a chuckle. “You humans are easily scared,” he marveled. Clicking off the tool, he put it away.


“That was not funny!” I protested and sat back relieved.


“Put this on,” he said, handing over a folded outfit.


I took it from him to examine it. It was a one piece jump suit. The base color was a shiny white with a baby blue stripe lining the outside seam of the arms. There was a design painted on the back : 


“It means human,” said Arclop as if reading my mind


At the hips there was a lime green strap stitched onto the suit that resembled a belt. The feet were shaped like rubber toe socks.


“It’s way to big,” I said and pushed it toward him to give it back.


He held up his little hand to stop me.


“One size fits all, just remove your earth cloths and put it on. I will be back to show you the way to meet the queen,” he turned and walked|||It was an enjoyable read. You%26#039;re still young, so you%26#039;ll learn how to write better as you progress through your schooling. I only read up to Chapter One, though. You did a good job with a lot of the description.|||It kind of made me dizzy but it wasn%26#039;t bad, It could use rewording/ revising, I also don%26#039;t think that the story should start with the aliens but instead they don%26#039;t show up until chapter 2 or something, and then you could develop on the character some more. for instance he could go to school and get bullied or something, maybe focus on the main characters outlook on life and on the world today. Developing on the character would make it more powerful whenever the character has to leave with the aliens and while he watches his home planet being destroyed.


=]