I%26#039;m trying to write a book. This is the first chapter so far. How do you think it sounds? Would you read it? What should I change? I know there are a lot of spelling mistakes, the spell check on my laptop is busted and I%26#039;m not the best speller
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Chapter 1 – Barely August 1st 2009
I woke with a start. The pieces of my dream were already slipping away. I tried to focus on certain parts hopping to remember them but right when I foucused on one it sliped away. Being myself I got quickly frusterted and gave up. I rolled over and checked the clock. It was 4:17 am. Of course… I couldn’t wake up at a normal time. I could still feel my heart pounding and could still feel the terror I had felt in my dreams causing adrline to pump through my vines. I knew going back not going to happen so I rolled out of bed and turned on the shower. The water heated up fast so I stepped in. The water was warm to me but it probably would be freezing to anyone else. I stood there for a mintue and tried to relax my tense muscles. Then I grabbed a bottle of vinalla scented shampoo and scurbbed my hair clean. A few mintues later I stepped out of the shower. I wrapped myself in one of those tiny hotal towels and went to my suitcase to get my clothes. I walked back into the bathroom to get ready. I was still working in today because I had to finish my report, so I pulled a brush through my hair and brushed my teeth. Then I pulled on a white sports bra and a pair of my black work pants. My hair was dry now so I debated wiether to leave it down or pull it back. It was shoulder blade length and it was flame red. It fell in curlys. Not widl curls but small and a mix between waves and curls. It was sometimes hard to pull into a bun but it got annoying when it was down and got into my face so I decided to pull it back. Then I pulled on a skin tight white undershirt. Over that I pulled on a back holster and slipped a Sig-Sauer p220 .45 cliber with an extra clip into the places… Oh, yeah, I’m an agent for the FBI. I put my arms through the arm holes of my white button down shirt. I buttoned up the buttons leaving a couple open at the top and pushed the sleeves up a little past my elbows. I grabbed my make-up bag and placed a couple things on the counter. I applied a little mascare and eyeliner around my eyes and a little bit of “rosewood” colored lipstick. I looked back from the mirror. After a couple of seconds I sighed. I looked older then my 29 years but still young. I was short at about 5’4 and I looked about 100 pounds. Of course I was actully 130 pounds. Most of it muscle. I had swimming, yoga, and running to thank for that. On my right ring finger was a ring. This ring was a custom made claddagh ring. My parents had given it to my on my 13th birthday. The band was silver and so were the hands. The heart was made of a beautiful ruby and suronded by saphires. It was faceing up because I was single. The crown was made of gold and had two small saphires and one small ruby in it. It was a beautiful ring that stood out against my pale skin. I barely had any curves and was like a B-cup. My red hair normal fell to my shoulders in curls and framed my face which was often described as childlike and delicate. I had medium sized lips, a delicate small nose, and high pretty cheekbones which were sprinkled with freckles. My eyes dominated my face though. They were wide and inncoent looking giving my face the whole childlike innocence. They were bright green and were framed by lashes of average length. All in all I guess you could say I was pretty in the non tradional way. Relizing how stuid I sounded I grapped my belt holster and clipped it to my waistband. It was the kind that made it look like you just tucked the gun into your waist band. Then I slipped my Glock model 22 .40 caliber into it and pulled the matching blazer for the pants on. I looked into the mirror. I looked like a 30-year-old office employ trying to impress my bosses. Also I looked total harmless. That thought made me smile. I could feel the two guns pressed to my back and waist and also the knives. On was strapped to my ancles, another to my uper arm and two more hidden in the chopstick like hair things I had just sliped in my bun. I couldn’t wait to get back home and not have to be so dressy, but of course since I was working with another office I dressed like this in an attepmt to get respect. Of course the first day I was here I relized that wouldn’t be necessary. On of the other agents had tried to flirt and was ziolating my personaly space… he had to wear a brace for two days on his arm. I walked over to the tiny table where I had some papers laid out and started the coffee machine. In a few mintues it was hissing and steming. I sat down and looked at the clock. It was now 5:45 am. Didn’t have to be at the FBI building in LA till 7:00 so I decide to get some work done here. I planned to leave the hotal early so I could get a lot of work done today and maybe leave tomorro|||Definitely some potential here. There are, of course, the typical spelling and grammatical errors, but that%26#039;s to be expected. The important thing is not to worry about that sort of thing, but focus on getting what%26#039;s in your head, heart, and fingers out onto some paper or a computer.
Definitely an interesting set-up, although, I think you spent too long a time describing your character- at one point, I had to consciously make myself not skip over sentences. Try and ease her appearance onto us, a bit at a time, through others teasing her, about her green eyes, or a doctor commenting on how her weight is still at a stable 130, that sort of thing. Maybe use a thesaurus to spice up your vocabulary- good foundation of language, but now we need the frame-work.
It%26#039;s hard to get a good sense of how well you%26#039;re setting this up, as there%26#039;s so little to read :( .
Your sentences tend to run on a bit- don%26#039;t forget to add your commas and punctuation. Don%26#039;t forget to vary in sentence type; simple, complex, compound, complex-compound, exclamatory, etc. You mostly have compound sentences.
Also, unless it is a person speaking out loud, a teen or a hooligan, never EVER use the word %26#039;like%26#039; as you did, in the sentence %26quot;I barely had any curves and was like a B-cup%26quot;.
I very much like your opening statement- it caught my attention and got me thinking. Also, I like the way you seem to be dropping hints, like when you state that what the character thinks to be warm would be cold to anyone else- it may be nothing, but you wonder if it means something.
This chapter definitely shows that you put some research into this, and I like that a lot.
All things considered, a few flaws and oopsies, but once you have those ironed out (and that won%26#039;t take long) it will be very, very good, I think.
I hope that I haven%26#039;t discouraged you in any way at any point- you have true talent. Much of it. You just need to polish it up a bit.
I hope you post more soon. And if you feel comfortable in doing so, please e-mail me more at know_my_heart@hotmail.com. I%26#039;d be ecstatic and honoured to see and give critique on more. Don%26#039;t worry, I%26#039;m no creepy old dude stalking people on the internet. I%26#039;m a freshman.
Keep up the good work!|||I would LOVE to know more, but it got cut off!|||I don%26#039;t like it, sorry.
%26quot;I woke with a start.%26quot; This is a horrible first sentence, it barley even makes since. I stopped reading when the character rolled out of bed and turned on the shower. This makes it sound like the showers right next to your bed.
I would reconstruct this and probably start at an entirely different spot because your opening sentences and very weak.|||I think its good, i skimmed it : ) but when i got down to the bottom it seems to me your character is an adult. Well my opinion makes me think at the beginning your character sounded like a teenager or child. Due to the anger of the dreams or just things like that,|||Good so far...I would definitely suggest you use a spell check (If yours is broken use one online) and remember to read it through because I noticed a couple of times you spelt a word wrong but...Not really wrong. It was just a different word which doesn%26#039;t really make sense. This won%26#039;t show up ont the spell check. For instance:
You wrote: Pump through my vines. I%26#039;m assuming you meant veins...?
It%26#039;s a bit short but since you said %26#039;so far%26#039; I%26#039;m going to assume that you%26#039;re planning on writing more?
Also make sure that your story doesn%26#039;t sound like a list i.e I did this then I did that because of this...If that makes sense? Include speech. Speech is key to any good story. Oh and Description too. That%26#039;s really important so you should try to use more of that.
Here%26#039;s a link to a spell check website: http://orangoo.com/spellcheck/
And here%26#039;s a site about improving fiction: http://research-writing-techniques.suite101.com/article.cfm/help_with_plot_development
Hope that helps a little bit...Good luck with the story! :D|||It%26#039;s too choppy. Who cares what we think anyway? Just work on it yourself. Don%26#039;t post your work on Yahoo Answers.
